Commitment Issues

See what I told you about my commItment issue? Well the holiday posts, I wrote about two more, but istead of posting them, wordpress deletes the whole content. And just so you know I’m just writing on my phone so doing the same post over again is just frustrating. Anyways, I’ll begin to post again… Hopefully.

Friendship

“Hey stupid,” Anna said.
“Hey poop,” Jessy replied as she sat next to Anna.
“You look beautiful today,” Jessy complimented as she snatched a brownie from Anna’s plate and stuffed it in her mouth.
“You’re welcome fatty.” Anna said annoyed.
“Thanks babe! Your house tonight?”
“Ya. Don’t forget to bring Mean Girls!”
“Yay! Don’t forget to get them corn poppin’. Catch ya later. Mrs. Pumpkinbutt’s class next.”

*one year after Anna moved*
Anna_17: hey jes
Jessy_xoxo: Anna! Imy!
Anna_17: i miss ya too
Jessy_xoxo: come visit sometimes
Anna_17: i really wanna
Jessy_xoxo: well maybe someday we’ll meet again…
Anna_17: hopefully
Jessy_xoxo: ya.

And that’s that. Anna sat in silence. A great friend lost. Their conversations the past year have only been kust like that. Jessy was the person she laughed with, the person she cried to. Their conversations would last days. The secrets they shared, the crazy moments, skipping classes and going to the mall just to escape insanity, knowing each other’s weaknesses, talking about hot seniors, mocking each other’s ‘forever alone’ statuses; all made a mark in Anna’s heart.

Anna stays friendless and stiff. Unlike Jessy on her instagram pictures. Jessy with her new friends laughing and doing all the things they used to do.

Of course it’s not Jessy’s fault. With different environments and situations, they barely have anything to talk about. Friends fade. Anna knows best. It’s not like it’s her first.

She’ll find another friend, get to know her, and when Anna knows her flaws, Anna will be annoyed of her, but Anna will get through it, and Anna will have a new friend. A friend she’d be inseparable with, and then she’d have to move and repeat the process. God will give the right angels at the right time for the right reason.

tamy

Straight Line 2

image
She was insecure. Never too proud of herself. She was worthless in her eyes. When everybody else fails to realize, he came. He makes her feel beautiful.

She was afraid of him just pretending about everything, but his voice, his eyes are so assuring. She can’t  help but fall into his gaze. Not even caring the fact that he can break her just as many jerks had; and he didn’t.

He whispered the question once upon a time. Childish. Because they were. They were children fresh of puberty when he asked her out.

Now everything’s different. He is gone. And she is alone and cold sitting, staring emptily into the wall in front of her. Yes, she promised to forget, but the memories fail to fade. Maybe if she stares into emptiness long enough, she’ll forget. She will. She will.
Some day.

But not now. However hard she tries, she can’t.
He was the reason she is how she is. Outspoken honest child. He made her shine.

It takes her back to their conversation years back when they attended a wedding.
“Ah… I wonder how it would be like when we…” she stopped. Right, like he wants to marry you, her heart snubbed. She fell silent.
“After all this time you’re still this insecure? C’mon Pril. Of course one day we’ll be the one being the center of attention. Then we’d be right next to each other between our parents. Then you’d be complaining about how tight your dress is and I’ll be going on and on about the horribly hot suit. Then we’d go to our home together. Right then I’ll realize that you’re my wife.”
And she smiled. Keeping his promise I her heart.

Even after his silly little act of breaking up with her, she still had hope. Broken and beaten up hope, but there was still hope. But now, he’s not here to keep his promise. He’s not anywhere. His body is in a casket, but his big mouthed, big hearted self is gone.

She still smiled. The same smile she gave to him after that promise. She smiled at the wall as if the wall can bring him back to her. Just to keep his promise.

He broke his promise.

And everything was still.

She went mad.

Screams filled the room with sobs in between.
Punches shook the room.
Catching breaths once in a while.
She was red and wet with tears. It brings her back to her last tantrum. She had gone mad from all the pressure. She broke free in her own apartment. Then he came. He calmed her. He held her in his arms. All red and messed up, he held her and she fell asleep in his arms out of exhaustion.

The thought of him shook her up even more. She punched and tear everything around her.

“Sorry,” a voice said in her heart.
“Sorry,” he said inside her heart.
“Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.”
All this fit is no good.
Forget him. Forget him. Forget him.
If he couldn’t keep his promise, “at least I’ll try to keep mine,” she said.

tam here, adios

Friendship

“Hey stupid,” Anna said.
“Hey poop,” Jessy replied as she sat next to Anna.
“You look beautiful today,” Jessy complimented as she snatched a brownie from Anna’s plate and stuffed it in her mouth.
“You’re welcome fatty.” Anna said annoyed.
“Thanks babe! Your house tonight?”
“Ya. Don’t forget to bring Mean Girls!”
“Yay! Don’t forget to get them corn poppin’. Catch ya later. Mrs. Pumpkinbutt’s class next.”

*one year after Anna moved*
Anna_17: hey jes
Jessy_xoxo: Anna! Imy!
Anna_17: i miss ya too
Jessy_xoxo: come visit sometimes
Anna_17: i really wanna
Jessy_xoxo: well maybe someday we’ll meet again…
Anna_17: hopefully
Jessy_xoxo: ya.

And that’s that. Anna sat in silence. A great friend lost. Their conversations the past year have only been kust like that. Jessy was the person she laughed with, the person she cried to. Their conversations would last days. The secrets they shared, the crazy moments, skipping classes and going to the mall just to escape insanity, knowing each other’s weaknesses, talking about hot seniors, mocking each other’s ‘forever alone’ statuses; all made a mark in Anna’s heart.

Anna stays friendless and stiff. Unlike Jessy on her instagram pictures. Jessy with her new friends laughing and doing all the things they used to do.

Of course it’s not Jessy’s fault. With different environments and situations, they barely have anything to talk about. Friends fade. Anna knows best. It’s not like it’s her first.

She’ll find another friend, get to know her, and when Anna knows her flaws, Anna will be annoyed of her, but Anna will get through it 

tamy

Straight Line 1

“I’m guessing my act didn’t work?”
“You’re alive! You’re awake! I’ll call your mom yah!”
“No pril!” *cough* “udah ga usah” *gasp* “I wanna talk to you.” His bright eyes dimmed with too much medicine. His toned skin pale, white as paper. His body layed stiffly on the bed.
“I knew it! You’ll live! I knew it!”
“Hah Pril. Like you never read The Fault In Our Stars***.”
“Don’t talk like that. Have hope. Many people need you.”
“Well you gotta learn how to live without me.”
“Don’t you dare talk like that again.”
“Are you threatning an almost dead person?” Prilly inched closer to him and sobbed.
“Don’t leave.”
“I’m tired Pril.”
“I don’t wanna live tomorrow without you.”
“Njir Pril. Alay. Please. You gotta understand.” *deep breath* “I’m tired. I’m not getting any better. Even if I get into surgery. The doctors stich up my heart, my lungs fail to function. My lungs starts working, my kidneys need pumping every week. And now a weekly hospital stay is needed, a monthly surgery is a necessity. I am tired. And I’m ready.”
He panted. How he got that many words out she doesn’t understand. He panted  until she helped him put his oxygen mask on.
“Please stop talking like that. You are not and never will be a burden to me. Remember your story? We’d get married and watch our grandchildren side by side? Remember?!”
“Do you love me Pril?” He asked exhaustedly.
“Yes.”
“Promise me one thing. Promise me this down to your grave.”
“Yes?”
“Forget about me. All our stories never happen.”
“Pretending won’t change the fact.”
“I not asking you to pretend. Enough of this. For the hundredth time. I’m tired. Tell me stories Pril.”
And so Prilly did. By his bed side holding his hand. Tears streaming down her face a she told stories of better days.

His eyes slowly shut into slumber. Her stories became prayers, her cries became screams. The constant up and down on the monitor turns to a never ending line. Yet through all the noise, his eyes stays firmly shut.

Continue reading →

Suntuk

Alright. I love writing alright. And then my language teacher gave us a writing assignment. Should be fun right? Well here’s mine:

Suntuk
Hari itu ketika ibu guru memberi tugas, hatiku bersorak. Menulis telah mejadi hobiku sejak pertama kali aku tahu menulis. Menulis saat aku senang, menulis saat aku sedih, menulis saat aku marah. Menulis dogeng, menulis puisi, menulis ocehan, bahkan sering ku tulis isi hatiku. Oh betapa senangnya aku, ditugaskan untuk melakukan sesuatu yang ku suka.

“Pengalaman”, jelas ibu guru. Menulis cerita tentang pengalamanku bukanlah suatu hal yang sulit. Pastilah tugas ini tidak akan membebaniku. Kan ku siapkan pena serta secarik kertas dan kata-kata kan mengalir dari pikiranku. Pengalamanku tertera dengan tinta, hitam dan putih. Tak sabar untuk saatnya ku akan memulai tugas ini.

Hari demi hari terlewatkan. Tak terasa tiba malam sebelum waktunya untuk mengumpulkan tugas Bahasa Indonesia. Ku tatap secarik kertas di hadapanku. Kosong, tak sepatah pun tertulis. Pena ku genggam erat, tapi tak setetes tinta berkurang dari tabungnya.  Aku berpikir untuk kesekian kalinya. Masakkan tidak ada pengalaman yang layak kutulis?

Seketika semua kenangan masa laluku, pengalaman-pengalaman yang layak diceritakan, kebodohan-kebodohanku yang dapat menjadi bahan tawaan, hilang seketika. Pikiranku sunyi. Tak sepenggal memori yang tersisa. Jarum merah di arlojiku terus berlaju. Malam makin larut. Waktu tidak cukup.

Beginilah otakku. Saat guru sedang mengajar di kelas, timbullah keinginan untuk menulis. Menulis hal-hal tidak penting. Hal-hal yang buang-buang kertas saja. Tetapi saat-saat seperti ini, otakku tak pernah berfungsi dengan baik. Hanya sepenggal kisah saja yang kubutuhkan. Malahan kecemasan yang ku dapat. Kecemasan akan waktu yang berlaju begitu cepat. Kecemasan akan apa yang akan ku kumpul besok hari.

Ku habiskan waktu lebih lama lagi untuk mengingat kembali. Kehidupanku. Apakah aku pernah hidup? Mengapa tidak ada sehurufpun yang dapat kuceritakan? Lima belas tahun aku ada di dunia ini dan sekarang, hanya menceritakan satu pengalaman, ku tak tahu haru menulis apa. Kertas putih tak bernoda. Tinta hitam tidak nampak. Baiklah. Aku menyerah. Pikiranku suntuk.

tam here, adios

9C

9c. Kelas yg guru” label sbg kls paling pandang enteng.
Hmm. Mulai dari manaeh.
Kalo sesuai siting, di depan adalah anak-anak paling manis-manis dan dengar-dengaran. Saking dengar”annya bill biasanya sumbang tambahan yang kadang melampaui imajinasi rakyat jelata. Saking dengar”an, ian pun sering menghayati ajaran” guru” sampe ja ta tutu” mata(dan kadang cewenya, maria iko”). Tapi selain dorang, bekam, mika, jon, kelo  adalah pasukan” lcd kalo guru maso. Walau kadang orang heran bgemana jon boleh mengatur lcd dengan adanya kecipitannya. Yak. Kecipitannya belakangan ini adalah trending topik. Entah dari mana. Bahkan kemungkinan besar echa, pacar jon salah satu murid depan, tidak tahu mengapa. Echa adalah anak hobi menyanyi apalagi kalau sudah dengan sate deng dhea deng ferren stow, so nda abis abis drg pe lagu.  Yah taulah. Kyp so jadi bahasa indo kt pun nintau. Oke oke kembali ke pembahasan org” di depan, juga ada dylan yang hambaknya bawa gitar ke kelas yang ujung”nya jatuh ke tangan cindy ato inri. Maksudnya gitarnya bukan dylannya-,- tapi juga tidak jarang gitar itu jatuh ketangan sandrina anak didik sir henry, yang juga adalah teman main GTA starsky, manusia paling ceria di kelas 9c. Starsky telah direkrut menjadi anggota powerpuffgirl oleh celia, sawu, sani, tamy sebagai mojojo. Nintau le dang kalo dia so tau-,-. Ngemeng” torang so sampe di bagian belakang. Nimau kalah deng bagian muka pe pasukan lcd di belakang ada pasukan sendiri. Pasukan pengatur chars men chars. Eh nda atur sih. Paling cuma semati belina pe kucing kadang”. Ato ja ba jawab syp pe hp yang lagi ba chars at the moment. Kalo di belakang bagian sebrang adalah sekelompok anak” basket seperti kese dan bryan yang paling sering beking org pica tatawa klo lagi baambe bagian di muka. Ato ja mulai paka tangan kalo patrick pulang dari kincing. Eh. Ngemeng” patrick baru da cewe nama nichel. Nona cerewet. Eh nda sih. Nona ngaku-ngaku polisi pe anak. Padahal polisi pe anak betulan, dede, nda sombong. Eh ada anak basket satu le yg tatinggal. Jo’. Manusia yg jadi bahan garaannya sesly. Maksudnya torang ja gara akang pa sesly. Sesly dudu muka pa dilan. Eh bingoleh mo tulis apa ttg dia. Btul komang jarang skali bacarita. Mar depe bestfriend forever adalah erik. Mister Hitachi dan cara duduknya lyk a boss. Kalo boss of tim basket putri, nah itu dia avi, yang setelah kelas sir daddy ada duplikatnya abi, yang lebih dikenal dengan nama abe. Eniway, avi kalo marah ja ba ancam pa patris, karin, sofie klo dia nda mo passing pa dorang klo bermain. Kalo dorang bermain ada ley yg ba cheers aka dancers atas nama angie, sherin dkk. Sherin duduk sei pa raissa. jujur setiap kali kt dengar depe nama jadi menyanyi” sendiri lagu “kulit be love, kulit be love, kulit be kulit be love.” Di sebelah raissa ada glenity. Sumber permen dan pulpen. Apalagi kalo lagi kelas **** kong so menganto minta permen jo pa dia. Mar yg nda ja menganto setiap kelas dan paling rajin bacatat selalu jade ato nda nadine ato nda angela.

Ya’. Itulah kelas 9c at the moment. Hmm. Kita nda bermaksud. Juga kalo ada org yang kurang senang dan tersungging atas apa yang kita da tulis, mohon maaf lahir dan batin. Sekian.

Before you think I’m racist or something, most of the stuff up there are inside jokes. Not trying to offend anyone.

tam here, adios

Puberty

Nice subject, say whaaat?

So every once in a while, when people wouldn’t understand, I email my self. A list of problems and whatever happening that moment.

I’ve been doing this since I was 12 years old. Freaking alay 12 years old. I would rant on and on and on and on about my crush sitting on my chair. Oh the simplicity of childhood. I think that was my first bites of puberty,

Whatever happened at the moment back then must be horrifying because I wrote a poem:

Oh hormones,

You rhyme with nothing,
Though you cause much problems
in my already stinking life
You give me all the dandruff you have,
all the pimples,
give me a headache,
after thinking about the stupidest topic ever
BOYS
Gee hormones..
I’m reluctant to grow up,
because of YOU

like whaaat? That doesn’t even qualify as a poem, but looking back, it’s just amazing how now I’m here, the other side of puberty, seeing the other side on the topic of boys, seeing the other side on a lot of things. Though my old self was right about her(my?) reluctance, It all just get darker, and more interesting as time flies. Oh well. life.

Oh, and I’m having a hard time with this html thing. bear with me.

Excuses

I’m really good at making excuses. I know i know, excuses are a way….. I don’t really memorize that quote. Anyhow, excuse number 1: I am too lazy to type on my phone.
That’s the only excuse actually.
My brain functions better with pen and paper.
The word flows better with my horrible cursive.

So as per usual, I write something, then type it on my phone. And typing on this phone is fairly annoying with all the uncovenient(I know that’s the wrong spelling but bear with me) capitalization and sometimes the touch screen goes crazy putting the cursor. And the worst. When I type with tears and blood (exagaration(this might also be misspelled)), and this phone erase it all.
Happened to the next stardust story on the series. That’s why I procrastinated on the series. Us manadones call it maraju. I marajued to this app for erasing my hardwork:”

Aight that’s all. I have this anti procrastination life program going on, hopefully it works out and I can publish more pronouns!! 

tam here, adios